Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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