You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
third nipple confirmed
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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