I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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