All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
