so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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