I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
