Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
