i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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