Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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