I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
