Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
is it fun? or sober?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
