I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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