I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
