the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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