I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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