i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
