the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't deserve a penis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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