you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
