pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
