I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
