My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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