My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
