apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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