sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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