The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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