dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
