Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
