Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
