You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
