The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
