Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
