Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
