the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
