And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
