seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
