Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
