On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
