I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
