I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
