wat bout pragnant strippers??
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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