fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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