Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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