Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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