if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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