Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
