Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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