WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
