I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
