i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize