what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
