Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
