I accidentally had phone sex last night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
