he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
